


The Genesis of Avengers Rule 237: We Always Wait for Bruce to Reappear Before Celebratory Events May Commence

by florahart



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, nonconsensual cuddling, not hulk fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-26
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 01:50:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florahart/pseuds/florahart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The prompt was: someone gives Hulk beer and he is a very affectionate drunk.  Bonus if he is affectionate at Fury when he shows up to find out what the hell is going on.</p>
<p>Naturally, I only wrote the bonus.  Then I wrote a tiny sequel at the end (below the line).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Genesis of Avengers Rule 237: We Always Wait for Bruce to Reappear Before Celebratory Events May Commence

"Sir, I hate to ask but how would you like me to classify this for the report?" 

"Agent Coulson, if you think I am letting this go in any report, of any kind, you have another motherfucking think coming."

"No, I see your point, but given the proliferation of youtube videos already being uploaded all around, I don't think keeping it under wraps can possibly work. I'm sure Stark already has a couple hundred."

"You tell Stark he will _not_ be sharing any such thing with anyone and will be squelching anyone else's, and--all right, _who_ gave Hulk a comb? Hulk, man, I don't know if you noticed, but I ain't got any _hair_. Stop _combing_ me. Ow, hey, okay, all right, just, can ya comb less skull-crushingly?"

"Sir, I think he's just trying to show--"

"Affection. I know. I got that. You ever been on the receiving end of this kind of gentle?"

"Not unless you count Loki's spear, sir."

"I do not. Now, what the fuck happened, and why do I have hearts-in-his-goddamn-eyes Hulk _grooming_ my ass?"

"As I understand the situation, sir--"

"Were you here, or not?"

"I was, but I was distracted. I believe someone gave Hulk a beer."

"Seriously? Are you fucking serious right now? Hey, again ow big guy. No, I'd rather keep my clothes _on_. Really."

"I think he's just trying to--"

" _Undress me_? Yeah, I came to that conclusion on my goddamn own. _Hey._ That coat is custom, damn it."

"Here, sir, catch. Sorry about the color."

"Coulson, until such time as Hulk ceases to treat me as his own personal Barbie doll, I assure you the color of the cheerful pink blanket protecting my very, very battered dignity is not even _on_ the list of my concerns. How much beer did he drink, anyway?"

"The whole keg, sir. It was only a few swallows."

"We got any idea how long he'll be drunk?"

"Stark says he doesn't have enough data."

"Ask him. to fucking. guess. I gotta know if I'm looking at hours or days here."

"I'll see what I can do."

"And get someone down here with a tent or something. If I gotta be Hulk's chew-toy, _keeping_ this shit off youtube just became your first priority. 

"Yes, sir."

  


* * *

  


"Uh, ...Director? Mr. Fury? ...Nick? I feel like maybe we should be on a first name basis, given the situation."

"Banner, if you are waking me up after everything else, I am going to be most seriously displeased."

"Yeah, sorry. So, why _I'm_ naked, I know. Why are _you_ naked? With me. In a tent."

"Your other half is a _distressingly_ affectionate drunk."

"..What? Wait, _what_? Sir, are you-- Did I--"

"I'm fine. Naked, and you owe me a coat that wasn't fucking cheap, but right _now_ it's... two seventeen in the goddamn morning, so if you don't mind, my pretty pink blanket and I are rolling over and going back to sleep. Now catch some shut-eye before a new day dawns and with it, as ever, another crisis."

"Uh. Okay. ...Do you happen to have another blanket?"

"No."

"Okay."

"...Oh, for fuck's sake. Your buddy already cuddled the shit out of me, so why not? Get in here and stop shivering. And watch the head; Hulk has some unsupportable ideas about the amount of combing I require."

"Seriously? Where--never mind."

"You'll make it up to me. I promise. Now shut up, and go the fuck to sleep."


End file.
